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see the tyrants panic ~~see their crumbling empires fall ~~then tell them we don't fight for fools ~~'cause love is in our hearts! ~~Paul Weller(the Jam) |
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| SALEM--An elderly woman was
arrested yesterday when her pet poodle escaped through a hole in her fence and dug up her
neighbor's garden. Furious Republicans called on the Justice Department for an immediate
investigation into the White House. When asked what the White House could have possibly
had to do with Poochgate as the Republicans called it, a visibly upset Dan Burton blurted
out, "Probably nothing but it is an election year isn't it?". Stunned
reporters failed to mount a follow up question. More to come. *** WASHINGTON -- An unpaid staffer was caught eating a banana on non-break time in 1996. The affair, now branded Bananagate by the Republicans, is under investigation. An outraged Dan Burton called on the Justice Department to mount a full investigation into the President, his wife, his daughter, and, especially in an election year where the Vice President has overtaken the Republican puppet... err... nominee George "Robertson Rube" W. Bush, Al Gore. Ken Starr has weighed in as well and has vowed to keep the Independent Counsel's office open "as long as there is an American tax dollar to waste". *** SCOTTSDALE--A thirty six year old man was arrested today for violently hitting a Saguaro cactus with an aluminum baseball bat causing immense damage to the 24 foot tall plant. An outraged Republican congress demanded a full investigation into the White House. When asked what the White House could have possibly had to do with an assault on Saguaro cactus in Arizona, a furious Dan Burton said, "This is a priiiickly situation and we can't wait to subpoena the cactus' e-mail records to find out what's there." A puzzled press corps failed to mount a follow up question. More to come. *** PETROGRAD. Just one more time again, the plumbing broke down in our complex. No one showed up to fix it. We're sure it is either Clinton's fault or that new guy, Al Gore. Investigations must begin immediately! Where is our Dan Burton? We demand equal representation in the house. That house has plumbing but ours doesn't. This is the most serious gate in international history. May it henceforth be called: Plummer Gate. Please email Larry Klayman's address to us immediately. Send to gogol@petrograd.com. The dead souls will answer forthwith. More to come. |
AUSTIN--The armadillo that was run over
by the former White House staffer on Tuesday is now accused by Republicans of being a
Chinese campaign donor to Al Gore. Fueling Speedbumpgate, Larry Klayman and Judicial
Watch have filed a lawsuit against Vice President Gore. A furious Dan Burton has subpoenaed the armadillo's e-mails going back to 1993. When asked how an armadillo could possibly be a Chinese campaign donor, a visibly angry Burton said, "That's what we're trying to get the White House to quit stonewalling about." Baffled reporters failed to mount a follow up question. More to come. *** WASHINGTON, D.C. Judge Lamberth has decided to cut out the middle man by filing all future law suits against the Clinton/Gore administration,himself, thus saving tax payers millions. In a snide aside, he suggested that Ken Starr was a puppet of the present administration, by not using this tactic. Off record he implied that Richard Mellon Scaife and his companion, Larry Klayman, were tools of the communist party. The accused were unavailable for comment, which was a moot point, as the press failed to mount any follow up questions. More to come. *** WASHINGTON--A new development in what is now being called Poopoogate by congressional Republicans now has the elderly man who was caught feeding pigeons in Yellowstone National Park as being a Chinese campaign donor to the Democratic Party. Yesterday, a furious Dan Burton said, "If we had a Republican president, we wouldn't have funding for these state parks and innocent patrons would not be getting pooped on." Today, asked to explain that statement, Representative Burton said, "Pooping like this is a sure sign that something is definitely smelly when it comes to fundraising and this administration." Puzzled reporters failed to mount a follow up question. More to come. *** CYBERSPACE, AP: I just heard that Dan Burton has shot a football helmet in his back yard which proves conclusively that the armadillo was definitely murdered, probably in Hillary Clinton's secret apartment, and then dragged to the road where tire marks were clumsily painted on the armadillo to fool the police and the ASPCA. Details as they develop. |
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