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| Come see
the tyrants panic ~~see their crumbling empires fall ~~then tell them we don't fight for fools ~~'cause love is in our hearts! ~~Paul Weller(the Jam) |
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| Little Onion Collator: Joni Pasquinade Submitted 4/6/2000 |
Contributing
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| COLUMBUS. A would be robber
was caught running in the woods away from a convenience store last night when authorities
were able to follow him by the lights that came on the ankles of his shoes when he ran.
Furious Republicans immediately called for an investigation of the White House and, in
particular, Vice President Al Gore. When asked what the Vice President could possibly have
had to do with the robbery, a visibly angry Representative Dan Burton sputtered,
"Back when Bush was president we had a thousand points of light. With this
administration we have only caught two." Puzzled reporters failed to come up with a
follow up question. More to
come. *** ATHENS. A Georgia state employee was caught shaking a candy machine violently after it had apparently not returned the correct change causing productivity losses for the office workers below for approximately 3 minutes. Already deemed Snickersgate by the Republicans, the Clinton Administration is again under investigation. When asked how the White House had anything to do with a Georgia state employee's behavior, Representative Dan Burton mumbled something about having to go buy some watermelons and walked away briskly. More to come. *** AUSTIN--A former White House staffer, while driving to work in a new car, accidentally ran over an armadillo. Already referred to as Speedbumpgate by Republicans, the adminsistration is under investigation again. Representative Dan Burton has vowed to show a picture of the armadillo, complete with tire mark, on the floor of the House every day until President Clinton resigns. More to come. *** AP UPDATE... Just in: |
News Flash! (AP) "Buddy is given to Elian." Today it was revealed that Buddy, the President's pooch, was given to Elian. Elian and his father were photographed romping with Buddy. "I did this because the boy lost his other puppy," explained the President. The First Lady denied that he was given away due to excessive drooling on the couch and diddling on the floor. Socks denies charges that he hypnotized the President into giving away the dog. "Meow" he hissed as reporters challenged his story. Trent Lott and Hastert are demanding hearings. "We will NOT have Janet Reno testify", they said with a shudder. More to come. *** WASHINGTON. A new development in what is now being called Poopoogate by congressional Republicans now has the elderly man who was caught feeding pigeons in Yellowstone National Park as being a Chinese campaign donor to the Democratic Party. Yesterday, a furious Dan Burton said, "If we had a Republican president, we wouldn't have funding for these state parks and innocent patrons would not be getting pooped on." Today, asked to explain that statement, Representative Burton said, "Pooping like this is a sure sign that something is definitely smelly when it comes to fundraising and this administration." Puzzled reporters failed to mount a follow up question. More to come. ***
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