Junior on the
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 And now, by astounding levels of demand, Episode 8 of our lyrical, action-filled drama, "Mr. Moron Goes to Washington! entitled "The Garden Gnome Fights Back." Weary of his onerous five-hour days, President Moron has returned to the simple, bucolic life of breeding Bushie Whackoes on his tiny 100,000 acre farm in Texas. Vice President Garden Gnome has taken over in the Oval Office, but the GOP is leaderless, bewildered by the way the new "Contract on America" seems to have increased the national debt by three trillion dollars that they have borrowed from Colombia. The Gormless Goons of the GOP leadership meet with Vice President Gnome in the Oval Office, also inviting little danny quayle to apply intellectual strength and discipline to the problem. Trent Lott: (handing out the fleapowder and banana rations) "Thank y’all for coming. Tom, put that away! Mr. Vice President, what do you suggest?" Vice President Garden Gnome: little danny quayle: "Let’s do a "Hands Akross the Passific! It wurked grate for… er… um… you know…" Before they can say more, the door opens, and President Moron walks in. Lott: "Mr. President! We’re so glad you’ve come back! What happened?" President Moron: (looking ashamed) "I just found I couldn’t go back to living on $30 million a year. Mr. Rainwater told me to come back. We haven’t done everything he wanted yet. So here’s what’s going down. No more Mr. Nice Moron. Give Richard Rainwater and the Wylys contracts for $10 Billion each…." Lott: "What for? Tom, for Christ’s sake, stop that! It’s disgusting! That is not where the banana goes." President Moron: "I dunno. I don’t care. Shut up. Make Pat Robertson Secretary for State Religion. And get the libruls into that camp in Alaska run by Pat Buchanan’s cousin, Obergrupenfuehrer Heinrich von Schnitzelgruber. Raise taxes on libruls, furriners, and anyone with incomes below $35,000. Remember, we stand for family values, and that means valuable families, so those with a net worth of five million or more are the only ones we care about." ldq: "That’s geenyus, Mr. Prezidunt. Eevun in my phinust ours as… er… wotever it woz I woz under Prezidunt… er… wotsisname, I kud never have thunk of that!" Lott: "Tom! I keep telling you! Don’t do that again. Those carpets are expensive. Wonderful, Mr. President. I’ll draw up the laws for your mark… er… signature." Dick Armey: "Can I visit Mr. Schnitzelgruber in Airforce One? Where’s Alaska? It’s not in America, is it? Do I need a passport?" The Greased Cat: (Sitting in a tree outside the Oval Office window) "You know, you guys are a bunch of (expletive deleted) morons!" Trent Lott: "My hair! Please come back! My prosthetic head’s cold." The Greased Cat: "What? No way! Having to sit on that hollow chamber, listening to that GOP crud! It poisoned my kittens. I’m staying well away!" ldq: "Speeking as the intellekshul leeder of this groop, wot wud you advize?" The Greased Cat: "You’d have done better if you’d nominated the Isolationist Whacko, genus whacko pitchfork patbuchananus, or even the Moral Whacko, genus whacko nonstopraving alankeyesus as candidate instead of this genus whacko dubya moronicus. The Isolationist and Moral Whackoes at least had a few brain cells. But they quit on you, too, so get McCain back in here. Resign, all of you. Go and live in Uzbekistan." President Moron: (triumphantly) "I’ve heard of Ooze Becky! It’s a… a… what was it, Trent?" Lott: "A country, Mr. President." President Moron: "That’s it! It’s in a …. a… what was that thingy you mentioned, Trent?" Lott: "An atlas, sir." The Greased Cat: "Holy clucking duckshit, Batman, these people are doozies. I’m outa here. And I’m not fighting nice." It leaps onto the desk, picks up Vice President Garden Gnome and they vanish into the dusk. And so, the Vice President and the Greased Cat have formed a political alliance that obviously favors John McCain or possibly the isolationist whacko pitchfork patbuchananus, or even the moral whacko nonstopraving alankeyesus, an alliance that will work against the Gormless Goons of the GOP Leadership in a heroic, glorious, but probably futile attempt to restore honor and ethics to the GOP. Tune in another time to Episode 9 of Mr. Moron Goes to Washington! entitled "The Greased Cat Takes on the Gormless Goons."
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