| Junior on
the Job
|
 |
|
|
|
 And now, by popular demand, the astounding Episode 1 of Mr. Moron Goes to Washington! in which little Dubya Moron is introduced with the wonderful cast of wild and whacko characters in the crazy world of the GOP. Young Dubya Moron is an innocent, fresh-faced lad who lives on a small 100,000 acre farm in Texas where he breeds Bushy Whackoes, a strange, brainless creature that mutated in the fall-out of the GOP implosion of recent years, marked by a gormless grin and oddly distorted feet, the mark of many bullet holes shot by the GOP itself. Crying out of the wilderness of Washington, the GOP comes to the Moron farm to beg young Moron to run for President. "It's a dead simple job," says Richard Rainwater, offering Dubya a handshake with $50M. "All y'all have to do is what we tell y'all." Persuaded by the attractive life of ease and wealth, little Moron decides to take the job. With only another $100M from his good buddies Rainwater, "Bo" Pilgrim, the Brothers Wyly and a small insurance company in Austin, he sets off on the trail to Washington. He knows that he needs the rest, after his dreadful experiences in the Vietnam War, when his F102 was shot down over Amarillo and he was tortured by the local guards, forced to play endless rounds of golf, and having martinis poured down his throat all day. But to protect his buddies, he took the name of "John McCain" which he found in at random in a Vietnamese phone book, and refused to be released when offered. Meanwhile, on his arrival in Washington, he is greeted by the
Senate Leader Trent Lott, who is in some discomfort because the greased cat he wears on
his head has just had kittens. Trying to avoid looking as several kittens slide down
Lott's head, little Dubya waits for instructions. "The first thing," says Lott, "is y'all have to pass a law making sure no farm animals have offspring without being married. We're sick and tired of all the sex that went on before, and we're gunna put a stop to it." Handing Dubya the details written on an envelope with $20M in used bills inside it, Lott walks out, thoughtfully chewing on a greased kitten. The next day, while composing his budget which allocates $500B to defense, a trillion for tax cuts for any registered republican with in income over $3M a year, and a figure to be filled in by Richard Rainwater for tax cuts for Richard Rainwater, he is visited by a representative of the insurance companies who suggests it will be a jolly lark if young Moron passes a law that says insurance companies don't actually have to pay on any claim unless they want to. Writing the law on another envelope with $10M in used notes in it, the man leaves with the White House silver. Pausing only to reject a plea for a retrial for five condemned prisoners whose attorney, selected by the Texas court, was actually the courthouse janitor, who was in California during the trial, and the men were in Australia at the time of the murder, Moron signed the insurance law into being, muttering "nobody was ever wrongfully found guilty on my watch." Later, he signed another executive order that enabled Strom "Drooler" Thurmond to grope no more than ten female pages in any one day. Pocketing the envelope from Drooler, he took the rest of the day off, utterly exhausted by his first day in Washington. Striker |
